I wrote this post back in October 2012, when I first came clean and went public with my experience with adrenal fatigue. I wanted to repost and share again for those of you who may benefit from reading this and need to hear it from someone who experienced the ugliness of adrenal fatigue first hand...
To be completely honest, I don’t even know where to begin. It is one
of those things where I have so much to say and yet don’t have the words
at the same time. This will not be the best written blog post. I am not
going for quality here, but for honesty. It is time to be honest. With
myself, and with all of you who follow me as Spoonful Of Fit (SOF). Many
of you follow me on Facebook, others also on Instagram, and some just
here on my blog.
Before I go further into telling my personal story and situation, let me just say that this is MY STORY.
This does not mean that others can’t be passionate about fitness
without being obsessed. This is not to say that others can’t have
balance. But for me, I couldn’t handle it. What was too much for me may
totally be fine for others. I do NOT judge others or their lifestyle in ANY WAY, SHAPE, or FORM. But this is what happened to me…
Those that follow me, know the gist of my story. I discovered fitness
in December of 2011 and fell in love with it. I began this relationship
with it that brought to life a passion I had never known. The
empowerment I felt from feeling strong, feeling healthy, seeing results,
and looking the best I ever had was liberating and satisfying in the
deepest way. Unfortunately, as can happen in human relationships, my
relationship with fitness became extremely unhealthy. It was something I
kind of struggled with for a while. I was walking on that fine line for some time. Fitness was one strand away from being an obsession. I
started SOF with every intention of being a positive role model to
others. I was looking to motivate, encourage, inspire, and help others.
For a while, I felt good and successful at it. I loved helping other
women learn how to live healthy, with balance and purpose.

Somewhere along the line between June (when I started SOF) and now, I
lost myself in my passion. It crossed the line into an obsession that
instead of built me up, it broke me down. I was in the best
shape of my life, but it wasn’t good enough. I wanted to be leaner and
more cut. I wanted to decrease my body fat as much as I could. I had a
six pack, but it wasn’t “popping” enough for my satisfaction. I looked in the mirror and all I could see were my flaws and shortcomings. All I saw was how much I didn’t look or feel
like the fitness models or fitness competitors. Images flooded my mind
as I spent all my free time looking at inspirational photos on Facebook,
magazines, and Instagram. I would compare myself to others and use that
“fitspiration” to drive myself to be good enough for me.
My mind was on fitness mode 24/7. I woke up 4:15 a.m. every morning. YES, every morning.
I didn’t take rest days. I felt guilty if I didn’t workout one day.
Here I was, telling other women to rest and not to over-train, yet in my
own dark and secret world, I was going against my very advice. I became OBSESSED
with my caloric burns on my Polar FT Heart Rate Monitor and would get
so mad at myself when I saw my burns decreasing even though I was
working harder than ever. I was eating the cleanest diet ever. Only
veggies, lean proteins, water, and I cut my carbs drastically. I
wouldn’t even touch fruit. In my mind, fruit = sugar, and sugar would
inhibit my ab progress.

^ Here, about six weeks ago, I announced on my Instagram that I was
doing a photo shoot and that I was going to prep to get in the best
shape ever for it. I was going to be EVEN STRICTER on diet, UP my cardio, and look amazing for this shoot. I am a natural perfectionist. I put pressure on myself in everything I do, and it can be my best quality and worst quality all at the same time.
In this case, it brought out the worst in me. The pressure of the shoot
was just too much for me to take. In my mind, that camera was going to
zero in on everything I have been working towards. On the outside, to
others, maybe I looked good, but you see, to someone who is dealing with
such a distorted vision of herself, I fell short. My worst fear was
seeing the final pictures and not liking what I saw. It’s like when you
watch a scary movie, and you seriously do not want to open your eyes
because you are so afraid and nervous of what you will see when you
look. I know to many, this may be the craziest thing you ever heard, but
it is truly what was going on in my head.
So I used that fear of failure, and it became my motivator. I pushed and pushed my body. I was running on little sleep, my mind was on fitness EVERY WAKING MOMENT.
I was pushing my body seven days a week in the gym, eating low carbs,
limiting fat intake, and wanted to cut as much as possible. Not only did
I want to look good in my pictures, but now that I knew what being lean
and having popping muscle and a six pack looked like, I NEVER
wanted to go back. Every morning, the first thing I would do, was go
look in the mirror to be sure that my six pack was there. I wanted to
look better than I did the day before. Looking at what I achieved was my
only source of feeling good about myself. My body image was my self-worth. I had this hunger to be better and look better. Stagnant was not an option. I wanted PERFECTION.
As as result of my lifestyle and desire, is what happened to me:
I remember taking these pictures (the bottom row was just about 2
weeks ago, the top about a month ago) and feeling so proud. I had NEVER looked
so lean in my life. But to be 100% honest, I was so weak while taking
these pictures. I felt sick, dizzy, and low on energy, but still managed
to go to the gym after taking them for my workout. Looking at these
pictures was my motivation that what I was doing was working and could
get me to what I wanted to be. I don’t know what my body fat percentage
or weight is in these pictures, because I am never weighed myself or got
my body fat tested, but I can tell you that I haven’t had my menstrual cycle since April of this year, so it is pretty low.
The past few weeks, I literally feel as if I hit a wall going 100 miles an hour. I crashed. Burnt out. At first, I thought, “well, that was just a bad workout.” or “I just need to get to bed earlier.”
But then, I started feeling very irritable and on-edge. I was cold all
the time. My hair was falling out. I was having trouble functioning,
even at work. I worked at a desk job, and I could barely make it through
the day. I would come home and lay down all night and on weekends, all
I wanted to do after my morning workout was sleep all day. So, I
thought, well, maybe I just need to change my workout time. So, as I
announced on Instagram, I changed my work schedule to workout in the
evenings instead. That first evening workout, I left the gym nearly in
tears. It had NOTHING to do with whether I worked out in the morning or the evening. I literally had NO
strength to even walk on incline on the treadmill. I could barely lift
the 10 pound dumbbells. I felt like I was going to collapse. My heart
rate would not even go up on my heart rate monitor for the life of me.
I know a lot of people have been questioning why I have been so absent on my SOF Facebook page. Well, this is all the reason for that.
There is a reason I am posting less on Instagram about my workouts. The
truth of the matter is, I am suffering burnout. I could barely keep
myself together, so on how earth could I go and motivate others? I felt like such a failure.
I had no energy to even function, let alone be of any encouragement to
anyone else. I was depressed, I was on edge, I was angry for no reason, I
was exhausted, and I was drained. I could sleep for 10 hours straight
wake up feeling exhausted as if I got no sleep at all. It took all my
energy just to take a shower. I literally felt like a 90 year-old woman.
I felt like my body weighed 5,000 pounds. I felt heavy and weak, even
laying down. I stayed home from work on Wednesday because I couldn’t get
out of bed and I went to the doctor’s this morning and my doctor only
confirmed what I kind of already knew after doing some research of my
own. ADRENAL FATIGUE. I have nearly every symptom of it. Here are the 30 most common symptoms:
The 30 symptoms include, but are not limited to:
1. Excessive fatigue and exhaustion, chronic fatigue
2. Non-refreshing sleep
3. Sleep disturbance, insomnia
4. Feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope
5. Craving salty and/or sweet foods
6. Sensitivity to light
7. Low stamina and slow to recover from exercise
8. Slow to recover from injury or illness
9. Difficulty concentrating, brain fog
10. Poor digestion
11. Irritable bowel syndrome, IBS
12. Low immune function
13. Premenstrual syndrome
14. Menopause symptoms
15. Low blood pressure
16. Sensitivity to cold
17. Fearfulness
18. Allergies,
19. Frequent influenza
20. Arthritis
21. Anxiety
22. Irritability
23. Depression
24. Reduced memory
25. Low libido, sexual drive or interest
26. Lack of lust for life and/or food
27. Excess hunger
28. Low appetite
29. Panic/anxiety attacks
30. Irritability, impatience, quick to anger.
My doctor was actually upset, because she said at the rate I was
going, I could have a heart attack because of what I am doing to my
body. My blood pressure is extremely low and she said if I want to get
my menstrual cycle and estrogen levels at what they should be, I need to
up my fats in my diet by a lot and put some “healthy” weight back on my
bones. She said that on the outside, I may look healthy, but on the
inside, I am so deficient in so many areas including iron levels,
cholesterol, vitamin D, and estrogen.
So, needless to say, I am taking this week off of the gym. I am
incorporating healthy carbs and definitely upping my healthy fats in my
diet. A lot of this is a mental thing I will have to work through to do
this. For so long, I deprived myself of so many foods because they
weren’t “clean” enough.
But from now on, I will eat a freaking apple if I want to and not
worry about the sugar content in a piece of fruit. I did the math and
realized that it has been since January of this year that I had an
actual cheat meal, unless you are counting half of a mini size Pinkberry
yogurt. YES, HALF OF A MINI SIZE. Or unless
you are counting the 4 glasses of wine I have had in the past year. I
haven’t had a single french fry, bite of regular bread, regular frozen
yogurt, slice of pizza, or ANYTHING in over 10 months! I’m not saying junk food is the answer, but I have deprived myself SO much for so long and for the wrong reasons.
^^^ This is all easier said than done. I have some physiological
things to work through. I need to learn to let go of the image I have of
needing to be perfect. I need to redefine what healthy is. I need to
learn to love my body and be healthy, but let myself be human. I need to
learn to truly take a rest day.
I have had a huge eye opening experience in the past week. I have learned a few really important things.
1.) FIT and HEALTHY does NOT mean PERFECT. There is no such
thing as perfection. Fitness models and athletes are SO inspirational,
but I can’t idolize them in the sense that I want to be them. I will be
healthy and in shape, I will be fit and strong. I will be ME.
2.) My worth is NOT in my SIX PACK. <—- Yes, it
really got to that point for me. As I put on healthy weight, my abs will
not be what they were, I am sure. I am really struggling to accept
that, but I need to and I will.
3.) BALANCE is absolutely necessary and DOES NOT equal WEAKNESS. Duh, of course, I am not going to go all crazy and eat doughnuts and pizza all day long, I LOVE my
healthy eats. But like I said, a piece of fruit or an occasional frozen
yogurt will not be the end of me and not equate me to being a failure. I
can take a rest day, maybe even two, in a week without gaining all my
weight back or losing all I worked for overnight.
As I said earlier, I totally give props to those that are able to
pull the two-a-days at the gym, or follow a competitors diet. I admire
those that have it in them to push through to run 10 miles a day at the
gym or rock an ultra rock hard six pack all year round. But, for my
body, that was too much. It told me, “Crystal, enough is enough.” I am listening to my body. If there is one thing about me that hasn’t changed through all this, it
is believing that my body is my temple, and I need to treat it as such.
I only have one life, and one body, and I need to love it and treat it
right.
I love you all and thank you for your support, but as I go
through this transition process, I may be shutting down my Spoonful Of
Fit Facebook page, or at least taking a break from it. I won’t be
posting on the blog for now. I will keep my Instagram active and open,
but I may not post as frequently. I also will be changing my name. Not
sure what to yet, but Spoonful Of Fit is just not me anymore. This is
going to be a new season and a new me. A balanced and healthy me. A me full
of life and energy, not perfectionism and exhaustion. If I lose
followers because of this, then I do. Right now, the important thing to
me, is to get my health back on track. I need to regain my strength and
energy. I need to be honest because just in case any of you are going
through something similar, I want you to know that you are not alone. As
for me, I need to find my balance and myself.
So this was much
longer of a post than I anticipated, but it is real, raw, and candid. It
is the ugly truth. I’m just throwing it out like word vomit (Mean Girls
anyone?? haha). It is time to close this chapter in my life and open up
a new one. A fresh me and a fresh start. Thank you for listening.
Love,
Crystal xo